My thoughts on sleep

Leland sleeps in our bed at night and I am totally okay with that and here is why:
- I don't think he should have to sleep alone if he doesn't want to because I don't like sleeping alone.  Why should a baby be forced to sleep alone because it is 'normal' when we as parents most likely prefer to sleep in the same bed as our spouse?
- I know this won't last forever.  Soon enough he will be over the momma phase and will be wanting his own space, so why not enjoy it?
- He still nurses as night and it is easier for me when he sleeps in our bed, meaning I don't have to get out of bed until morning.
- It is so incredibly sweet when he snuggles against me at night and then tries to push us out of bed (we need to get a bigger bed).
- He doesn't like have a cover on him, but since he sleeps between us I don't worry about him getting cold.
- In the morning if I don't get up right away it works out well, he just gets out of bed and goes to play ( our mattress is on the floor)
- Turns out, I prefer the mattress on the floor, who knew?

But with that, I understand why you wouldn't want to bed share, totally understandable.

But I love it and I wouldn't change it for anything.  

Reality

I often wonder how different my parenting style would be if I worked a 'regular' job, one where I wasn't with my child all day.

I wonder if I would still be breastfeeding.  I would have long ago given up pumping.  The random pumping I had to do when I was at school was bad enough.

I doubt I would be okay with Leland still waking once in the night (or more), I would need a solid nights sleep.  But then again, who knows what that situation would be like.

But I am sure I would still love Leland just as much and that he would be just as happy.
That is the funny thing about parenting.  We all do it differently, but mostly we all turn out the same.

I just know what I am doing is best for me and my child.  This is the view I take on parenting now.

You are doing the best you can.  (I have to remind myself of this almost daily)

Having a toddler is hard work

I feel like I keep going in a and out of liking toddlerhood.  Some days it is great, others it is very trying.  So trying I rethink having any more children.

Leland has some new tricks up his sleeve.  When he is being obnoxious and not listening, and I tell him no very sternly.  He comes up and gives me and hug and kiss.  How dare he change the subject?  
I wonder if he is really trying to make me forget, or it is just his way of saying sorry.  He also does it when he hits me (on the rare occasion).

The demanding, impatience, obsessive traits of a toddler are exhausting.  I try to ignore it as best as I can, but I often wonder what is the best way to deal with tantrums.  His usually deal with food, him not getting what he wants, when he wants, as quickly as he wants.  I think Leland would be fine with just eating consistently all day long.  But then he wouldn't eat lunch or dinner, so it is a no go. 
His favorite days are Sunday when we go to watch football and there are snacks at his level from 10-12.

But of course not every day is bad, it is just the bad days are really bad.

I got a random day off of work today and it was nice just the two of us.  He fell asleep nursing in our bed  at nap time and I didn't have the heart to move him, so there he napped.  Made me think of his baby days where it was normal for him to nap in our bed.

I know every mom is different.  I love my child so much, but I think I am a bit better with the baby stage than the toddler stage so far.  Sometimes it is challenging coming up with activities (structured and unstructured) to keep in entertained and not yelling at me because he is bored.  

Parenthood

I know being a parent changes you but I some things I didn't think would change...

Like my love for football.  I still love it but I am just not into it like I use to be.  One reason is I can't lay around all Sunday and watch football, I am lucky to watch the first half of the first set of games.  Then it is back home for nap time.  Same goes for college games on Saturday.

I also never thought 7am would sound like sleeping in.  But I consider it a good day when Leland sleeps until 7.

Or that I would have to have a cup of coffee every morning.  I am trying not to be dependent on it too much, but some days it is a must. 

I also constantly doubt myself on what is right or best for Leland.  I feel like for the most part I stick to what my gut is telling me and it works out but there is constant doubt.

And some days I just need to slow down and be reminded of how wonderful it is to be Leland's momma. I need that today.  I am exhausted and it is only Wednesday.  Friday, please hurry up.

Keeping it together

I feel like things are on the verge of collapsing and I am barely keeping it together around here.  I feel like I am constantly single parenting it.  Because even when Jeff is around he is often working on school stuff.  So I am almost all the cleaning and cooking and baby rearing.  It is exhausting.  I am not able to stay on top of things at all.  I am trying not to complain but I just need to get my emotions out a bit and this is my go to for letting it out.  

I haven't taken a single photo since we returned from Michigan (not counting Instagram photos).  So you are stuck with an Instagram photo for this post.

(I was going through Leland's old clothes, this is from 6 months old.  I got a bit sad that he is so much bigger than that size now, so Heath had to make me feel better about it, and he did.)

or two.

(Leland totally posed for this photo then came over to see it.  Gaaah why is he acting so old now?)

And then there are a bunch of other random things:

• Leland sleeps in our bed now.  When we got back from MI he screamed when he was put in his crib at night, he is okay for naps still.  I don't mind it too much except I have to lay in there until he falls asleep.  If I try to scoot out too soon he reaches for me.

• Our house is in constant chaos.  I call it a good night if all the toys are picked up by bedtime and the dishes are cleaned up. Everything feels dirty but I don't have time to clean.

• Leland's dresser is still in the process of being painted, meanwhile his clothes are in a large plastic tub.  This means he likes to go through and throw things on the floor every now and then.

• But he does help put up dishes, awesome new trick.  I set up the step ladder and he hands me dishes one a time to put away if they are clean or in the dishwasher if they are dirty.  

• I have several pounds of concord grapes to deal with from a elderly neighbor, still don't what to do with them or when I will have time to do such idea.  

• I want to be social on the weekends, but every time I am I think about all the things I should be doing (see above).  

I am just hoping that things get better, that I adjust better, or just stop caring.

Anyone up for a Skype date?  Leland loves it, especially when he gets to eat dinner while Skyping. 

One week down

This was the first real week of single parenting it for three nights in a row.  It has been exhausting.  Last week Jeff got out of class early so he was home around 7 each night.  It was at least a bit of a breather.  This week, not so much.
Plus we leave tomorrow to visit some friends in Michigan.  And I still need to pack and get the house ready.
Plus Leland is cutting molars.
Plus Braxton (the baby I watch) is having issues napping this week.
Plus all my photos disappeared on the computer.  Thankfully they are still on the camera and backed up on flickr.  I have no idea how this happened.
Plus I feel like complaining. (okay I am done now).

Really I am just tired and it makes everything worse.  I would like to sleep more than 7 hours in a night and I think that would help a teeny bit.

But I don't feel like wallowing in pity, so I will stop whining...

Tonight Leland and I had a momma and baby date night.  Other mommas and babies come over of course, since drinking alone is frowned upon and momma needs a glass of wine.  There was good wine, good food, and good conversation (meaning adult conversation).  It was much needed.  I didn't even care about the dishes I had to do because it was a nice refresher.

Lets hope this weekend keeps up the good spirits!

Back to school

Now that I have gone back to school it is Jeff's turn.
I am pretty happy for him, but kind of dreading it too.

See he will be in class Monday-Wednesday 5-8.  Meaning Leland won't get to see him those days since we don't get home from nannying until after 5 and I won't get help those evenings.

It also means Jeff will be busy with school work the other nights, leaving me to do most of the work around the house.  Which is fair since he did the same when I was in school and pregnant and taking care of a newborn. 

It makes me really appreciate how much he does around the house. 

I feel like I won't ever get to see him, dramatic I know.  And that all I will do is clean and cook, again dramatic(but I am really good at that).

Hopefully it won't be that bad, or this semester goes by quickly.  One good thing about having a kid is that time really does fly.  Before we know it these next two years will be over and he will be graduating. 

I hope Leland doesn't miss him too much, or too upset about it.  He is getting to where he really likes his daddy.  I am afraid this may change that a bit, since children usually like people when they see them a lot.  Hopefully weekends can make up for it.  I may just have to sneak out on Saturday and Sunday and give them some alone time. 

At least we are starting to cook all our meals on the weekend again, so there is minimal cooking done during the week.  Mainly just reheating needs to be done.  It makes a big mess on Saturday/Sunday but totally worth not having to stress about dinner Monday-Friday. 

Cha-Cha-Changes

I am having a mental debate lately about this blog and I am not for sure what to do.  I don't want the focus to necessarily be Leland and I feel that is all I talk about, which gets a tad boring as wonderful as he is.  But really I am more than a mom and I need an outlet for that.  For some reason whenever I want to post about something else I don't (which is lame), so the change is more for me than anything.

Which made me think I should just start a new blog and leave this one all about Leland ( and maybe even making it a private blog for family/close friends). 

At the same time I could just change the name of this blog since we do not plan to stay in Denver forever.  I would like a more permanent name and look.  I am thinking about using a web designer recommended by Sarah. 

So what would you do: change this blog or start a new one?

Parenting Styles

I have been on a parenting book kick lately.  It may or may not have something to do with the tantrums a certain person is having lately.  But I also find them interesting in general. 
So far I have read Bringing up Bebe and Happiest Toddler on the Block.  I have Love and Logic in the waiting and currently working on French Kids Eat Everything.  

Happiest Toddler had some good tidbits that I will try to use, but overall it wasn't my style.

Bringing up Bebe actually hit many points that I agree with, which led me to want to read French Kids Eat Everything.

No matter what books I read, I don't think I could ever be all about one single parenting philosophy, because who does that?  I like to pick and choose what suits me best and what I already think about parenting but just don't know how to put it into words/actions. 

Why I like some of the French parenting rules:
- your kid eats what you eat, I don't make separate meals for Leland and don't plan to start anytime soon, they also limit snacking so kids will eat their meals ( we are currently working on this)
- you have strict boundaries, but within those boundaries kids can do as they please
- you let kids play and don't follow them around constantly
:side note: I let Leland play my himself all the time or go off at the playground as he pleases.  I keep an eye on him but I don't shadow him by any means.  For some reason this isn't how a lot of other parents act, so then I feel self conscious or that they are judging me when I don't keep him on a leash.
- you teach your kid patience at a young age
- everyone enjoys their dinner and it isn't rushed

I am hoping to at least more aware of what I do/say to Leland so I can be consistent in how I parent.

What is your parenting style? (if you have one)

Who does he look like?

 Who does he look like?

Mommy confession: I am tired of this question.

I don't know but to me he looks like Leland and acts like Leland.  He is his own person.  As a newborn I get it, he was this new being that no one really knew, including me.  But as he gets older it is becoming harder to distinguish where he gets his good looks from because guess what Jeff and I look alike.  We have been mistaken for brother and sister before, when we were still in high school and traveling.  We both are Germans have fair skin, blue eyes and light brown (used to be blond) hair, meaning our child is the same and it is hard to tell you where his blond hair came from when both sides of the family have it.

And he has his own personality now.  Maybe he gets some traits from me or Jeff (all the annoying ones are from Jeff of course), but does it really matter?  When is it normal to consider a toddler their own person and stop comparing them to everyone else?

What questions are you tired of people asking about your kid?

Complete

I have been thinking lately how I wish I could freeze time right now.  Life is just good.  Leland is good.  I never want to forget the day to day things that I am sure I will eventually.  I am going to try and use my camera more to capture those moments I never want to forget.  Moments like him running to my room when I ask him if he wants to nurse, him getting upset when we leave the girl's house, how he pats my back when giving me a hug, and on and on. 

I have also been thinking about how I feel complete now.  Before Leland I was always looking forward to the next big event in my life, even if that happened to be the weekend or happy hour.  Now I don't do that as much, I am really enjoying this moment right now.  If for some reason I wasn't able to have any more kids, I would be sad for a moment, but I would be okay in the end.  Because I am complete now and any more additions would just be that much better but not necessary if life takes another course. 

This Saturday was a perfect day for some reason and it is hard to describe why.

But it was followed with a very trying Sunday(today), funny how it goes like that. 

I would still like to freeze time. 

I never want this little boy to grow any bigger or stop enjoying life as much as he does (when tantrums are not being thrown). 

And yes I am going to quote a Taylor Swift song right now because when I first heard it I may or may not have cried:

"Your little hands wrapped around my finger
And it's so quiet in the world tonight
Your little eyelids flutter 'cause you're dreaming
So I tuck you in, turn on your favorite night light

To you, everything's funny
You got nothing to regret
I'd give all I have, honey
If you could stay like that

Oh, darling, don't you ever grow up, don't you ever grow up
Just stay this little
Oh, darling, don't you ever grow up, don't you ever grow up
It could stay this simple

I won't let nobody hurt you
Won't let no one break your heart
No, no one will desert you
Just try to never grow up, never grow up"

To help or not to help?

I have encountered a couple of situations lately that have left me wondering what is wrong with our society.  When did we stop helping other people's children, or when did it become wrong to do so.

 (because every post needs a photo)

Scenario 1:
I was at an indoor play area in the mall.  I was staying close to Leland because he thinks he is a big kid, when in reality there are real big kids running around like terrors.  He happened to be by a girl and I saw her toe was bleeding.  I was thinking, she really should not be spreading blood everywhere, so I asked her where her mommy/daddy was.  She pointed to where her dad was and I picked her up and carried her to him, again thinking she shouldn't walk through the entire play area with a bloody toe.  And he seemed offended by the whole situation.
Did I really do something wrong?  What should I have done? Let her walk there? Gone to get him? But I saw he had another child in a baby carseat, so I really thought my solution was best.  He didn't say a word to me, jsut gave me a very weird look and so I walked away.

Scenario 2:
I was at a park with the two girls I nanny and Leland.  One fell and started crying.  She wasn't hurt, just upset she fell.  I was walking to get her and another mom was closer and went to her and then asked "Can I pick her up?"  I was so confused by the question.  Because if I was that mom I wouldn't have asked, but would have gone and picked the kid up and carried them to their person.
Again, is this wrong?

When did it become okay to look the other way when someone's child is hurt?
Or what is the protocol when helping someone's child?
Am I the only one that thinks we should just help any child in need?

I guess I am just doing what I would want someone else to do for Leland.  And maybe that is against the norm. 

Because they would die.

I feel like I am living in the house of doom lately.  It makes me want to burn everything bleach everything in sight to rid of the illness.  We have been quarantined into our house this weekend and it is really getting to me. 

As soon as we returned from KC, Leland got sick.  Then once we returned from Paonia, Jeff got what Leland had. 
Thankfully I was not included in that round of virus sharing.

Then this weekend has been another round of sickness.  It started with Leland on Friday night waking me up to some exploding diarrhea, like all over the bed kind.  Don't worry, he was about to sleep through it until I talked myself into getting up at 2 am to clean up the mess.  It took a few minutes for the pep talk to kick in.  Then Saturday I was out of commission.  I took two long naps, with Leland.  Which I think really helped for a speedy recovery. 

Now Sunday, Jeff has been even worse than me.  And I am wondering if it is because he is a male or because he is really more sick.  It is times like these that I am reminded in why men do not go through childbirth, because they would die.  I was pathetic yesterday but I still helped out with Leland as much as possible, and I still had to nurse him and put him down for naps.  Today, I have been a single parent.  And it is even worse when the other parent is in the same damn room. 

Tonight, Leland has yet another fever, woohoo.

Hopefully Jeff is better tomorrow. 

When it rains, it pours. 

Breakup

I have been part of a mommy/play group for children Leland's age since he was about 8 months.  Some of these mom have been getting together since the babies were only a few weeks old, I just never even thought about it until Leland started interacting more. 

I really lucked out with this group, I have found a few mom friends that I really like and get along with well.  One of the families actually joined us on our hike last week.  In fact, I don't think there is a mom in the group that I dislike.  I may connect with a few of the moms better but there is no one that I can say I don't like.

(only because this post needs a photo)

But as our babies get older and our parenting styles become more apparent (because let's be honest, the newborn phase is just about surviving and the real parenting doesn't happen until your child becomes mobile)  I feel a wedge being developed within the group.  I don't know if it is subconscious or conscious, but groups are being formed within the playgroup among mommies that have similar parenting ideas.  Co-sleeping vs. crib sleeping, formula vs breastfeeding, baby led weaning vs purees, etc.  

And I find it really awkward. 

Maybe it is because there was no major fall out, and I like those moms.  But whenever I try to talk to them, they tend to shut me out, or shut the conversation down. 

Several of the playgroup moms go to the library story time every Thursday, and we always tend to sit in the same area.  Today the other group of moms sat on the opposite side of the room.  No big deal, it was a bit crowded in there today.  But afterwards any effort to start a conversation was shot down. 

I join a few mom after the library for coffee and park time, it is a regular get together.  A couple of the other moms were in the park today as well, and it is a very small park, and they totally ignored us the whole time.  And they came in after us, like walked past us without any notice. 

I felt sooooo awkward the whole time. 

So I think it is official, the playgroup has disbanded in a way.  These moms haven't been attending lately either.  Why are they so upset by our parenting?  I don't care about their style.  I guess this article is true. 

But it still bothers me, why do we moms always have to compete?  Why can we just get along? 

death

Jeff had a previous co-worker that passed away over the weekend.  For some reason it has really caught me off guard.  I didn't even really know him, besides him being my cashier.  Maybe it is because he is my age or maybe because I haven't had to deal with death in a while.

As a kid I went to numerous funerals.  That is what happens when you had a lot of great aunts and uncles.  For a while I had a habit of attaching to who ever would die next.  I don't think it was intentional but that is how it seemed to happen to me.  After going to so many funerals, I associate flowers with dead people.  I am not a fan of flowers.

The worst was when my grandpa died.  I can still imagine that day and his funeral.  It still gets me to cry at any moment. 

I have had a break in the numerous funerals.  I am trying to think about the last one I went to and I believe it was a for a friend that died in Afghanistan.

It is awful seeing people your age die, it makes you realize shit can happen at anytime.

All I want to do is hold Leland tight and never let him go or get hurt.  

Sorry for the depressing post, but I had to get it out so I get past it. It doesn't help that I am already nostalgic about Leland turning one but I am trying to ignore it for now.  I am sure tomorrow will have another sad post because I will have to face the fact that I have a one year old.  Good God.

sleeping in his crib

I can't remember if I already posted about Leland sleeping in his crib and I am a bit too lazy to check right now, so recap.

For naps and bedtime I use to nurse Leland to sleep in our bed, but then someone smartened up and realized he could get off the bed.  So he stopped nursing to sleep and would crawl off the bed when he was finished nursing.

To win this battle I would just nurse him and then put him in his crib.  Which he was fine with, he went to bed without crying.  

Naps are great, no problemo.

My issue is nighttime.  He use to wake up about an hour after being in the crib and then we would transfer him to our bed at this time.  Or he would wake up around 10 wanting to nurse again, so he would be transitioned to our bed.

This past week he has been sleeping longer in his crib, like 11 or 12 or so.  I am struggling with this.  I should be happy that he is progressing toward sleeping through the night but I don't have an issue with walking up 1-2 times a night.  I am pretty use to it now. 

Also I have to have him nurse for me to fall asleep.  I am a junky for the hormones released while nursing.  I will lie in bed for hours until he wakes up and nurses. 

Also I want him in the bed with me, it feels so empty without him there.  I laid in bed last night crying because he was in his crib sleeping and here I was not able to sleep. 

Why do these babies have to grow up?  It is so not fair. 

I know I crazy for thinking this way.  Most people are excited for their kid sleeping int heir own bed and longer stretches.  But I am not at all.  Why does independence have to sting so much?

So there will be no celebration here when he sleeps through the night in his own crib, just tear stains on my pillow.  (Dramatic I know)

What is in my head

Each night before I go to bed I think about everything that has happened that day and everything that needs to be accomplished the next.  I think I have said this before, but each day I focus on one school assignment or task.  Well that works for the most part but then there are days or weeks where everything is piling up and I freak.  Meaning I just stop thinking about school and want to read The Hunger Games.  Which I am in the midst of book three right now and it is all I can think about.  (Team Peeta!)

Also this past week I have had my first serious cold in a long time.  I had a couple minor ones while pregnant, but nothing this serious.  It is hard to get past it when I am stressed about school and not sleeping enough from that and Leland.  

I am looking forward to Spring Break, which is right around the corner so I can do the many needed assignments and thesis work that are piling up.  Not too much longer until this semester is over!  I am longing for summer.  The past two days it has been in the 60's, like spring is laughing in my face that I still have a couple months left until freedom or relaxation.  I am going to miss going to school, but I won't miss the work or stress. 

 Leland is a cruising machine!  He loves to walk with his walker. 

 He is also getting a serious side.  That photo makes him look so old!

  Grandma Patty was here this past weekend, and got him an early birthday present (is it really that time already!?).  He loves it.  He knows how to get off by himself now.  When you put him on it to ride around the house, he holds on and just sits there patiently while you zoom him around the house. 

 Other new things:

 A new organizer in Leland's room, it really helps.  He likes standing up with it and being able to dig toys out of the boxes. 

A new lens!  It is wonderful.  It is just sometimes hard to take photos with it, since Leland moves so quickly.  I just need to be faster. 

Winter blues

I am so tired of winter.  Maybe it is because I have a kid that can't walk meaning, I am limited to what we can do outside right now, especially with snow on the ground.

Or maybe it is the cloud looming over me telling me I will never get it all done.  This semester is kicking my ass.  Especially this week.  I realized everything that needs to be done in the next couple months and it is freaking me out.  But I think I am back on top of it.  I really have to stick to focusing on one thing each day/night to accomplish.  Otherwise I get overwhelmed and shut down. 

Also to help this, the next few Sundays I will be leaving the sweet babe and baby Daddy to get some work done out of the house.  Nights just aren't going to cut it with a thesis to write on top of school work.

I am also having one of those moments where I really miss my 'old' friends (high school and college friends).  I have friends here but it seems I am constantly having to make new ones as well, it is tiring.  I made friends at IAS but then left and so we drifted, same has happened with VC friends.  I now have a baby, so it is a bit different with non-baby friends.  They still go out to drink and I stay in with Leland.  Not that my 'old' friends have kids, but it is just different with them.  It is nice not to have to explain my relationship with my siblings or even tell them I have siblings.  They just know, they know my past.  They really should just move to Colorado.  But instead we live all over the country.

This is the face that keeps me going:

 Even when he only takes one nap a day (that happened Saturday).

 This face happens all the time.

 Plotting his next move. 

Ramblings

Lelando turned a whopping 10 months over the weekend.  Crazy stuff. 

He is so squirmy lately, it is almost impossible to get a decent photo of him.

 - best photo ever, cheese face

 - being sweet

 - he loves the vacuum, has to follow it around the house

 - loving his ball

 -cutie

I also think out of nowhere my supply is dropping.  It is the worst in the morning, isn't that weird? But maybe it is just Leland not wanting or needing as much at that time.  It is just sometimes it takes a really long time for let down to happen or for him to actually be drinking versus just sucking.  I don't know the full reason of this, but in case it is me I am drinking Mother's Milk tea twice a day now.  This stuff is disgusting.  But manageable when combined with chai tea, milk and honey.  His feedings before naps and bedtime are fine, it is just during the night and morning where the problem is.  

Adding to this, the past few nights Leland isn't waking up as much, woohoo!  I am fine with him waking up as much as he needs, but it is also wonderful getting long stretches of sleep.  He has only been waking up twice at most the past couple of nights, it is awesome.  That includes when he wakes up once I go to bed. 

Leland's birthday is approaching,which means my birthday is approaching.  I still can't get over how fast time is going lately.  It is a bit ridiculous, I mean I still have thing to do, a lot of things to do.  Particularly a thesis to write before a specific deadline, so time needs to take a chill pill for the next couple of months.   

I am going to be 26 soon, really?  Not that it is old or I feel old, but I can't believe how long it has been since I was in high school or at K-State.  Those ideas kind of freak me out.  But then life didn't really ever exist without Leland, or so it seems. 

But now someone is awake from a nap...

Explanation

I often find myself in a conversation mentioning the fact that I am getting my Masters.  Then the questions start.

What is your degree in? Environmental Science

What are you going to do with your degree? Umm, I stay at home with Leland and plan to keep doing that.

:Awkward Silence:

Then I have to explain myself. 

Why can't I just be an educated stay at home mom?

Let me explain.  I had my baby so I could stay at home with him and spend time with him.  While I know not everyone has this option or even chooses to do this, I did.  So again, what is so wrong with that?

On further note, why do us moms always have to explain every single decision we make.  When is it going to be the norm that we make decisions without an explanation needed?

Really I need to be better about giving explanations, meaning stop giving them when they are not actually given, so always.