The Meaning of Time

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Time has changed since becoming a parent.  I have a hard time understanding time in the constraints we put on it.  A year, a month, a week, a day.  It almost has no meaning.  I feel like 2013 just started, it probably doesn't help that January and February seem to have been misplaced in my brain.  I was having a conversation with someone yesterday and they said something about September and how long ago it was, I was very confused by this thinking that it was currently January.  Meaning September was only three months ago instead of seven.  Only several minutes later I realized it is April, whoa.

Thinking about this time last year (April 2012), it seems lifetimes ago.  At that point Leland wasn't  quite walking or talking and I was still in grad school.

I can't even comprehend that last sentence.

But thinking about my time in grad school itself is logical or placing time in Leland's developments is comprehendible.   The time Leland was a newborn or crawling or walking or talking.  That is much better for my momma brain.  But those stages of time seem very spread out and not following each other sequentially.

Is this just me?  Or do other people/parents have a hard time understand time with children?

Motherhood

I was never one of those people that always wanted to be a mother.  I never had dreams about it when I was younger.  In college there were times that I didn't think I would want children.  I had an aunt and uncle that never had kids and sometimes that life seemed like a good idea.  Needless to say I was still very self involved at the time, but I was 21.  The same aunt told me about a conversation we had when I was still in elementary school.  I asked her if she was going to have kids someday, and she said no.  The conversation turned and somehow I was telling her how I was not going to have kids.  So again, it was never a life long dream of mine as a child.

Then it turned into more of maybe I will have kids some day, we will see.  Jeff seemed okay going either way, which was nice, no pressure.  My only stipulation that if we do have kids I wanted to be done by the age of 30.  But then some time after we moved to Denver I got the urge. I wanted to have a kid.  It was all I could think about.  So away went the birth control and a couple months later we learned I was pregnant.

Now, I couldn't imagine it any other way.  It just feels right to be Leland's mom.  I feel like it was suppose to be my job all along I just didn't know.  I can't imagine going back to a regular job now because I feel this is where I am suppose to be, at home with Leland (especially while he is young).  I also know that our family isn't complete and I am not for sure when it will be, but hopefully in the (near) future we can expand the brood.

It takes a village

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It takes a village...

For everyone this takes on a different meaning.  For some it means to be close to grandparents and family members, for me it means to make my own family with friends.  I feel that I am really starting to  have my village.  I was already feeling this way but after the miscarriage I knew it was true.  That I had people there to support me and love me and love Leland.  People that would watch him during last minute emergencies and I would do the same for them.

I have never been one to have a lot of girlfriends.  I have always had girls as friends, but often my close friends were guys.  This has changed for the most part since becoming a mother and joining a playgroup. While guys can come to the playgroup they don't.  And some of my venting is about things only women can understand, like breastfeeding.  So now I am in a stage of my life where most of my closest friends are women and while it is different it is really good.

I really enjoy those friendships and glad I have found my village.

Jeff will most likely go elsewhere for his PhD, and it will be very sad to move away from the people I love in Denver.  I will be glad to move to a different town, because I am tired of Denver itself.  But not the people, I will miss the people.

Our Connections

It seems that technology keeps improving to make us more connected.  First there were land lines, then answering machines, then pagers, then home computers, then cell phones, then laptops, then texting, then Facebook, then Twitter, then smartphones, then iPads.  Each level makes us easier and quicker to reach.

Is this a good thing?  I feel the more we are connected through technology the less we are connected in life.  This article proves this point.

I wonder if being less accessible when only land lines or hand written letters were available made for better relationships.  That we each had down time, time for our brains to clear, time for our bodies to relax.  When a friend dropped by the house or called it was great.  You wanted that connection because it hadn't been happening all day.  Again read the article linked above it proves that this is true, we need to be unplugged from everything every once in awhile for better relationships.

Now with current technologies there are less opportunities for relaxation and constant opportunity for being tuned it.  Not only are there phones to keep us connected to the world, there are TVs with 24 hour news.  I wonder if this makes us more irritable with people in real life.  When we never get a break from a spouse, child, news, etc. are brains are frazzled.  We can now vent about those aspects of life on Facebook, Twitter, and blogs.  What if we didn't have those outlets?  Would we just calm down in the bathroom ( the only room with a closing door in our house), read a book outside, go on a walk.

I tend to think being less connected would make a difference, which is why I am choosing to use my phone only as a phone and not as a way to be constantly connected to social media and other outlets.
I know I am not alone in this thinking since I have seen many bloggers take a month off the internet.  Always describing it as awful and wonderful at the same time.  Example 1 and 2.

I know I have been guilty of overusing technologies to stay constantly connected, and personally it makes me a worse parent.  I am also guilty of wanting to talk to someone and expecting them to pick up their phone when I call.  I shouldn't expect that and I shouldn't be constantly connected.

When I take a step back I let my kid watercolor, read to him, not let him watch a video for several days which results in him not emptying all the dvds on the floor.  I capture some great moments on the camera.  We go outside on walks.  I read several books in a week.  It is good for me.  My brain feel clearer, I come up with good ideas, I can write.  It is all from being less attached to technology.  I also don't have to charge my phone everyday, which is crazy.  There are still moments where I want to pull my hair out but they are less frequent and I can better handle them when I haven't been on my phone or the computer all day.  

So maybe if you are feel in a funk or your brain is feeling clutter, take a step back and disengage from society a bit.  I bet it will help.

Recent thoughts...

Pregnancy makes eating very challenging.  I was going to keep track of what I ate for lunch but that hasn't been going well.  Pregnancy really messes up the whole lunch thing, since now I just want to eat like a typical toddler.  Mac n cheese or pizza for lunch?  Yes please.

Whatever I craved and ate the first few weeks I can't eat for the rest of the pregnancy.  For Leland that was chicken fingers and BBQ sauce.  This time it is cheese quesadillas with avocado and salsa.  Just typing that made me a bit nauseous.  This aversion is expanding to most mexican food in general.  Ugh.

Usually nothing in the house sounds good and I have to scrounge to find something that doesn't make me want to gag.  In general I crave and eat a lot of meat, cheese, and bread.  For some reason when I am pregnant all I want to eat is meat, which is really uncommon for me. But I am all about listening to my cravings within reason- especially when I am craving protein.

Also as soon as I eat something the smell of it or thought of it sounds very unappetizing.  It really makes cooking challenging because then the house smells like that food for the rest of the day/night.

But overall, things are easy.  Nausea happens a couple hours after eating, but not too bad.  I am tired but I go to bed with Leland often (since he still sleeps in our bed).  My breast are not that sore unless Leland is nursing.  The worst symptom is my acne, as it was with Leland as well.

We are still nursing, twice a day at most- morning and evening.  I don't ever ask him if he wants to nurse, he has to ask me, so rarely he doesn't nurse in the morning.  While I kind of wish he would wean, I don't want to push it.  I feel bad about the changes to come with a new baby on the way and don't want to make too many changes if not necessary.  So for now, I am okay with him still nursing and so we will continue to do it.  I am not against tandem nursing, so if it comes to that, I am okay with it.  Mainly since he only nurses twice a day.

I also plan to keep letting him sleep in our bed.  Which is why we upgraded to a King sized bed.  There is now plenty of room for four.  Again, eventually he won't do this but I don't want to make too many changes yet with a new baby coming.  He sleeps in the pack n play for naps, so we always have it set up.  Which is helpful since we may need it at times for the new baby if they are sleeping at the same time- I don't play to let both kids sleep in the bed without adult supervision for awhile.

I think that is all for now.  Have a good weekend :)

Love

Jeff and I were talking the other night about love and how there should be more than one word for it.  There are so many different meanings and emotions that go into the word love that there needs to be more than one way to explain your feelings.  Eskimos have multiple words for snow since it is such a big part of their society and livelihoods.

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Isn't love a major part of our lives and every day activities?  Doesn't it deserve more than one word?

I think so. 

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Loves that need a new word:
Motherly love
Friendship love
Spouse love
Parent love
Sibling love
'You are driving me crazy but I still love you' love
Pet love

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Can you think of any other loves that need a new word?

Earth Day

Earth Day, Earth Day, Earth Day... so much to say and so much emotion that goes along with the day.  Somehow I have always had some connection to the earth.  As a kid I had a big back yard that backed up to a big cow field with an awesome creek.  During the summer, that creek was where we lived, we walked along it and just wandered the fields.  That was before video games became cool and then we would hide up in a house and soak in the A/C.  But there was still that connection that never left.  Then there was the lake, also known as Table Rock Lake.  My grandpa had a house there so we would go there a few times in the summer.  There is something awesome about just laying on the dock or a raft and just enjoying the outdoors; having the waves bump you along.  For this reason, I want to live on a lake someday.  There were also the family vacations to National Parks and camping.
But the point I am getting to is there was always a connection to the environment and that connection only grew once I went the college.  I am not even sure how it all began but it did and I am glad it did, I am who I am because of it. So in college I joined the environmental group on campus and became a very active member, was secretary, then VP, then President my last year.  It was a great experience and I learned so much from it, and I cared even more about the earth.  I lessened my meat intake drastically and I have felt much better about it ever since.  With the group I went to conferences, recycled at a major music festival, camping, a wind farm, and Green Festivals and made a group of great friends.  All part of a great learning experience.
Recently I have been reading a lot of books about our food system, such as "Omnivore Dilemma", "Eating Between the Lines", "In Defense of Food", "Animal, Vegetable, Miracle", etc.  They have all been very informative and have made me change my diet even more.  I have also watched Food Inc. and it is a great movie for people who are wanting to know what is in their food and more about our food system, without having to read a book. 
I feel like I can never know enough about the environment and our environmental impacts.  But really the most important thing a person can do is just pass on the information.  Whatever they find is useful tell one other person and the word will get out there.   That is how it all starts. 
And I think informing/educating children is very, very important.  They are the ones that will take charge and rule the world eventually.  Just letting them know what is out there, the plants and animals, they can make their own decisions and will see how important it all is.  And the kids these days are so smart they already know what is happening in the world.  I worked at a zoo one summer as a camp counselor.  Part of this job was to create lesson plans on different animal species, families and the environment.  During that time, I was so amazed by how much information these kids already knew and what they already thought.  It was a great experience. 
So with tomorrow being Earth Day, I hope my journey and connection with the earth will continue and grow as I grow.  It will always be my greatest passion. 

Happy Earth Day.