On loss

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Wednesday I had my midwife appointment.  I had been having some occasional spotting so I told her about it, she looked at my cervix and said it was just sensitive, nothing to worry about (which I was thinking this was the issue).  She then checked for the heartbeat with a doppler and wasn't able to find anything, again nothing to worry about since it was still in the iffy stage.  But she was thorough and we went in for an ultrasound.  Thankfully the ultrasound tech was there and not busy.

In the ultrasound there was no heartbeat and the baby had stopped growing at 9 weeks.

I am upset of course, I wanted this baby so bad.  I was in shock for a bit and then of course cried for a while.

But at the same time, I know I will get past it.  It will take time but I will be in a good place soon enough.  Thankfully I have Leland to lean on and love on.  I can only imagine that it helps already having a child to mentally getting past this.  I know I can have another child, this just wasn't the one.

Thursday morning I am going in for a D&C.  Thankfully they were able to get me in sooner rather than later.  I am ready to put this behind me.  I was so anxious for something to wrong in this pregnancy, so much more than when I was pregnant Leland.  I feel like I can relax a bit now.  Even though it hurts, at least I don't need to be anxious about it anymore.

I may be quiet for a bit, but I think you will understand why.